This episode’s question comes from Noelle in Colorado:

Question:
"Last week, my son did something that really upset my husband and me, and we didn’t handle it well. How do we communicate our love to him, even when he’s making choices we strongly disagree with?"

The Goal:

Love should never depend on a child’s behavior. As parents, our goal is to provide discipline in a way that fosters connection, growth, and restoration—just as God’s love for us remains unconditional, even when we fail.

Common Misconception:

Many parents feel that disciplining their children requires a harsh response to convey seriousness. However, using punishment alone can create emotional distance and fear, leaving kids unsure of their parents' love. Discipline, when guided by love, is an opportunity for growth, not shame.

Three Big Ideas:

1. Love is Not Dependent on Behavior:
   • Children need to know they are loved no matter what. Mistakes should not impact how we express love.
   • Just as God’s love is rooted in grace, our love for our children should remain secure, even when correction is needed.
2. Separate Identity from Actions:
   • Avoid attaching labels to misbehavior (e.g., "You're a liar"). Instead, affirm your child’s identity apart from their actions (e.g., "What you did doesn’t reflect who I know you are").
   • Correct behavior without compromising the child’s sense of worth and belonging.
3. Discipline as a Path to Connection, Not Punishment:
   • Discipline should teach and restore, not punish. When children already feel guilty or ashamed, piling on punishment can shut them down emotionally.
   • Use discipline moments to grow in relationship with your child. End with a reminder of love and a gesture of connection (e.g., a hug).

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "Our love for our kids can never depend on their behavior."
• "God’s love for us isn’t based on merit—and neither should ours be."
• "Discipline is about restoring, not punishing."
• "Kids thrive when they know they are loved, even when they mess up."

Key Takeaways:

• Love first, always: Your love should be consistent and visible to your child, no matter the situation.
• Separate behavior from identity: Misbehavior should be addressed, but it doesn’t define who the child is.
• Use discipline to connect: Discipline moments are opportunities to foster connection and growth, not shame or emotional distance.

Conclusion:

In this episode, Greg and Cody discuss how to navigate the tension of disciplining kids while making sure they feel loved. Drawing on God’s example of covenant love, they emphasize that love must be secure, not tied to behavior. When we discipline, the goal should be to teach and restore, not to punish or shame.

Learn more at:
www.gracebasedfamilies.com

Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio
www.gumaudio.com

This episode’s question comes from Eric in Billings, Montana:
Question:
"I see a lot of other parents pushing their kids really hard to succeed. Sometimes it feels too much. Am I hurting my kids by not pushing them hard enough?"

The Goal:

Winning or achieving success should not be the ultimate focus of parenting. Instead, the aim is to nurture children’s hearts and help them become whole, healthy individuals.

Common Misconception:

Many parents believe that their job is to ensure their kids achieve success, whether in sports, school, or life. But this pressure often teaches children that their worth is tied to performance, which can stifle their growth and lead to anxiety.

1. Winning is Not the Goal:
   • Winning or high achievement is not a measure of parental success. What matters more is raising children with character, joy, and resilience.
   • A shift from performance-based parenting to heart-centered parenting allows kids to thrive without fear of failure.
2. Love is Not Based on Success:
   • Emphasizing performance can inadvertently make kids feel that they need to earn their parents' approval. God's love is unconditional, and our parenting should reflect that.
   • Success-driven parenting risks building fragile identities that crumble when achievements fall short.
3. Failure is a Growth Opportunity:
   • Losing or falling short can be valuable teaching moments. These moments provide opportunities to build character, humility, and perseverance.
   • Instead of focusing on wins, focus on effort, attitude, and joy in the process—whether your child wins or loses.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "An emphasis on winning is a losing plan for parents."
• "God’s love is not based on merit, and neither should ours be."
• "Our kids are more than what they accomplish."
• "Winning might feel good, but it’s not the point—wholeness is."

Key Points Takeaways:

• Winning isn’t everything: Success isn’t the goal. Parenting should focus on shaping character, not chasing achievements.
• Love must be unconditional: Children need to know they are valued beyond their accomplishments.
• Embrace failure: Use moments of struggle as opportunities for growth. Value your child’s effort and attitude more than their outcome.

Conclusion:

In this episode, Greg and Cody challenge the idea that success defines good parenting. They explore how focusing on effort, joy, and character development—rather than chasing wins—leads to healthier children and relationships. Parenting, they argue, should reflect God’s unconditional love, freeing kids to grow without the fear of failure.

Learn more at:
www.gracebasedfamilies.com

Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio
www.gumaudio.com

Show Notes:

This episode’s question comes from Allison in Georgia: Timestamp 3:50

Question:

"I grew up with strict discipline and want my kids to have more freedom, but I’m struggling to find the right balance. How can I give them freedom while still guiding them with discipline?"

The Goal:
Kids need gracious structure in order to thrive. Proper discipline doesn't restrict them—it sets them free by providing boundaries that allow for growth and flourishing.

Common Misconception:
Discipline is often viewed as limiting freedom. However, real freedom can only come when children have clear boundaries that guide their choices and protect their well-being.

Key Discussion Points:

1. God’s Model for Discipline:
   • In the Bible, God’s commandments and laws weren’t designed to restrict people but to help them thrive and grow. Similarly, parental boundaries allow kids to flourish.
   • Reference: "The law was made for man, not man for the law" (Mark 2:27)—a reminder that boundaries are for our benefit, not our restriction.
2. Boundaries Increase Freedom:
   • Without clear boundaries, kids may feel anxious or overwhelmed. Establishing healthy, firm limits allows children to explore within safe zones, giving them true freedom.
   • Example: Screen time restrictions can actually reduce arguments and create structure, leading kids to explore other interests like playing outside or reading.
3. Freedom and Discipline Go Hand-in-Hand:
   • Giving kids freedom within boundaries teaches them responsibility and helps them make better decisions. By involving kids in decision-making, they learn independence within a secure framework.
   • Example: Offering kids choices within structured guidelines empowers them while still ensuring discipline.
4. Discipline Creates Opportunities for Growth:
   • Just like music theory or sports rules enhance creativity and performance, boundaries in life help kids excel. Whether it’s screen time or chores, discipline gives kids a sense of achievement and satisfaction when they work within the rules.

Favorite Quotes from This Episode:

• "Our kids need gracious structure in order to thrive."
• "Discipline doesn’t restrict freedom; it enhances it."
• "Boundaries are for our flourishing, not for holding us back."
• "Kids are really bad at being adults. They need us to provide structure so they can grow into it."
• "If we don’t give them boundaries, kids will actually feel less free."

Key Takeaways:

• Balanced Discipline: Discipline is not about controlling your kids but setting them up for success. Boundaries provide a structure that leads to real freedom.
• Freedom Within Structure: By offering choices within boundaries, kids gain independence while still being guided by the limits you’ve set.
• Flourishing, Not Restriction: When kids understand and operate within boundaries, they thrive, becoming more confident and capable.

Conclusion:

In this episode, Greg and Cody discuss how discipline, when paired with freedom, helps children grow and flourish. By using the model of God’s structure with His people, parents can create a safe, guiding framework that allows their kids to explore life with confidence. Remember, true freedom comes from understanding and thriving within the boundaries set by loving parents.

Learn more at:
www.gracebasedfamilies.com
Produced by: The fine folks at Gum Audio
www.gumaudio.com