(1994 - 2025) Steven Jobs (no not that Steven Jobs) died somewhat recently at a Meta Team Event promoting dozens of paintings of animal nipples. Jobs (Steven not Steve) spent his career as an intern at Instagram responsible for doing the bubbles and reading everyone's stories. Despite his humble roots as a farm boy who glossed turkey chests, Jobs (again, not that Jobs) rose the ranks at Instagram and eventually got the chance to meet Mark Zuckerberg, Senior Member. His lifelong love of painting allowed him to connect to his roots, and he died doing what he loved: promoting his art on Instagram live. His funeral will be held at a random Tennessee town hall where no nipples will be allowed on screen, only in person. NEW EPISODE THURSDAY.

Congratulations John Goodman and Hanna Allerton on your wedding!

new episode thursdayyyyy

Dale Davidson, oil tycoon and poet, passed away alone in the middle of the woods near a binturong. Followed around by his reporter and maybe intimate confidant Michael Leahcim, Dale was known as being as rich as Chappelle Roan until his untimely demise. Davidson had three dreams (finding oil, forming a small country in the middle of Germany, and writing fact-based poetry) and he led a life of deceit and backwards last names in order to achieve all three, destroying his marriage of convenience along the way. His last will and testament leaves all of his money to his wife and arch-nemesis Jessica, and his funeral will be held somewhere - unfortunately a paper boy ripped out the last page of the newspaper so no one will know where. NEW EPISODE THURSDAY!