Wait! Did you hear that? It was the sound of demonic mischief made as the witching hour unfolds. It was the sound of infernal whispers in the darkness. It was the sound of someone, or something . . . putting mayonnaise in my yogurt?!? Aw come on, that’s just childish! This series of ghostly pranks tells me that I am at the mercy of a very particular breed of hell-sent spirit, a monstrous devil who hates open doors, loves standing, and is extremely camera shy, that’s right, folks, I’ve landed myself on the bad side of the demon from Paranormal Activity! For those not in the know, this rascally wraith first appeared in the Orin Peli-directed found footage movie that released in 2007 and changed the horror game for years to come. This ultra-low budget indie film about a couple recording their supernatural torment scared the bejeezus out of audiences on release, made mountains of cash, and spawned a series that’s . . . wait, seven movies long? Good heavens, with a franchise long-tail like that, the first movie must be something worth talking about, right? I certainly hope so because that’s what we’ll be doing on today’s brand new episode of Magellans at the Movies! Turn on your cameras and don’t stop recording; let’s find out what lurks in the small hours of the night . . .

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“Hey, Steve, how’s work going on that calendar?”

“Oh, hey, Barry. It's going all right, but aren’t you worried this is a little vague?”

“Whatever do you mean, Steve?”

“Well, what if we haven’t been clear enough about the meaning of the Long Count calendar, and in the future people misunderstand our dating system as prophesying the end of the world?”

“Oh, Steve, don't be silly. You’d have to be into some pretty weird New Age beliefs to think that.”

“I suppose you’re right, Barry. Say, isn’t it weird how we ancient Mayans have modern English names?”

“What’s an English?” Ha ha ha, aren’t they funny, ladies and gents? Anyway, today we’ll be reviewing 2012, a 2009 apocalyptic disaster film directed by Roland Emmerich. Enjoy!

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Wizards have a long history, not just in movies, but in fiction generally. Whether they’re running a class action lawsuit just waiting to happen in the form of a deathtrap boarding school, going on road trips to return some seriously defective jewelry, or burning things at random to punctuate each sentence, audiences everywhere delight in sorcerers of screen, page, and stage. Fictional wizards (as opposed to real wizards, of course) could also come in the form of a de facto monarch lording over an enclave of green structures erected in his own selfish image, exchanging favors for the assassination of his geopolitical enemies with random strangers. I’m talking, of course, about the titular magic man of The Wizard of Oz, a 1939 family musical directed by Victor Fleming and based on The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum. The Wizard of Oz is beloved, that’s plain to see from its frequent top honors on best-of movie lists, and has dazzled millions of children the world over, but can it withstand the modern cynicism of two men brought up in the torrid fires of the 21st century? Load your squirt gun and wave Kansas goodbye as we join cynics Nathan and Elliot on Magellans at the Movies to find out! Contact us/Requests/Questions: MagellansMovies@gmail.com

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Stand back, coppers, I've got a brainwashed child and I'm not afraid to use it! How many times have you heard that phrase barked from the mouths of bank robbers and rum runners? In the past few months, I know there's not a day that goes by in Kansas City without the sight of gangs aiming military-grade elementary schoolers at each other in tense standoffs. This sudden arsenal of adolescents is, in my opinion, attributable mainly to people misunderstanding the point of Weapons, a 2025 horror movie directed by Zach Cregger. After all, this spine-tingling story of the kids being very much not all right proved to be a surprise summer hit, earning all involved heaps of cash and reams of glowing reviews, but all that celebrating was, of course, premature, since Magellans at the Movies hadn't had their say yet. Today that changes, and the final word on rising horror darling Cregger's latest chiller will be handed down. Will this seal Weapons' ascent into genre divinity, or will the film be sent running into the dark like a kid trying to bodily recreate the outline of that one Star Wars ship? Hide your hair and grab your bell, let's find out!

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You sleep through your alarm on the day of your big presentation, you leave your wallet at home the one day you decide to push the speed limit, your dad’s human illegal exotic pet empire gets dismantled and the proceeds reclaimed at the very moment you need money for bond, the bomb you intended for the alarm clock company as vengeance for their substandard products explodes in your hand leaving you with quite a bit of egg, and your own arm, on your face; my friends, it truly is one battle after another. Thankfully, while you wait for your richly deserved sentence to be handed down, you can still take your mind off of your troubles at the movies, though for those of us who are feeling like if it’s not one thing, it’s a daggone ‘nother, Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest flick, One Battle After Another, kinda sorta loosely based-ish on Vineland by Thomas Pynchon, might not be distracting so much as magnifying. That’s because this 2025 political/satirical thriller is all about the relentless onslaught of being a former revolutionary trying to raise a daughter in an authoritarian near-future America, and while it may not be relaxing, it is certainly acclaimed. Frankly, that word doesn’t fully explain just how euphorically this film has been received by critics, but the Guardians, New Yorkers, and Chicago Sun-Timeses are easy pickings, earning a kind word from Magellans at the Movies? Now that’s a feat worth putting on the DVD case. Will this kooky caper be able to pull off such a coup? Grab your AK and don your bonnet rouge and let’s find out!

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Moving on can be hard for many reasons, but for those of us leaving behind disinterested parents, monthslong torture, and the deaths of most everyone we care about, consigning most of our lives to memory lane is more than welcome. I, for example, yearn to relocate to a remote village in the Alps and thereby escape the many obligations I've accumulated to the wealthy investors in my "dog to human translation" company, but that's a silly example. For a more serious case, look no further than Jesse Pinkman's mission to get the heck out of Dodge/Albuquerque as seen in El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie, a 2019 crime drama directed by Vince Gilligan. This brief coda to the central narrative of Breaking Bad, released midway through Better Call Saul's run, was hardly the object of scorn, but never quite got the same stratospheric acclaim as its parent shows, and is more than likely in third place on most fans' Breaking Bad universe rankings. Where will it land on the lists of Breaking Bad fans Nathan and Elliot Magellan? Yo, start the episode to find out, b****.

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A star is born. Not because a mommy star and a daddy star loved each other very much, or even because a clump of matter and gas collapsed under its own gravity (I think), but because a person has a talent for singing which they perform for a wide listening audience. What transpires across the lifespan of our newborn star has historically varied, but common themes include substance abuse, fraught relationships, and, if they're very lucky, Oscars. I'm talking, of course, about the 2018 musical romance A Star is Born, directed by Bradley Cooper. This melodic melodrama was favored by critics and audiences alike, who swooned for its hot stars and earworm-packed soundtrack, but Magellans at the Movies are made of sterner stuff. Will they be won over by all the kissing and the crooning, or will their review be a song of only sour notes? Maybe it's time to find out!

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Oh no! There’s been a glitch in the matrix, forcing the Wachowskis to reload their save! Thankfully they’ve backed up their data and can proceed with the first of two planned sequels wrapping up the original Matrix trilogy. The Matrix Reloaded, like so many sequels, tries to follow up a groundbreaking first installment by embodying a single word: more. More elaborate kung fu fisticuffs, more Agent Smiths, more convoluted philosophizing, more whisper-talk, and of course, much more latex. The result is a dense, action-packed, confusing, and slightly kinky middle act that, while hardly an object of derision, is generally agreed to suffer from the shadow of its older brother. It is also a movie that Nathan has never seen, despite enjoying the classic first Matrix. Will he find more favor in this good-but-not-great sophomore outing, or will he reject the code and find freedom, and entertainment, elsewhere? Jack in to find out!

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