Why do I have to tell you who Spider-Man is? Have you seriously never heard of him, even if you haven’t seen this movie? I have better things to do than explain the deal with one of the most popular characters in all of fiction, or the details of one of his most iconic and recognizable screen outings. You want to know more? Look it up. I’m going to bed.

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Hair. Where? Here, there, and everywhere! What am I jabbering about? Why Rapunzel, of course, the heroine with uncommonly blessed follicles most famously seen on screen in Tangled, a 2010 animated adventure directed by Nathan Greno and Byron Howard, based on the fairy tale by . . . you know that’s actually somewhat complicated so let’s just say the Brothers Grimm. It’s a Disney princess movie, folks, and that means bright colors, songs of questionable necessity, and animals who, if they can’t talk, are still clearly sapient. Just because Tangled fits snugly within the Disney tradition doesn’t mean that it’s not good, however, and indeed many people over the years have described it as very good, even beloved. But will our hosts send off a thousand lantern salute in honor of an animated classic, or will the film turn withered and gray beneath their unforgiving eyes? Warm up your singing voice and let’s get braiding!

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Neighbors. Whether they’re polka dancing in the apartment above yours or inexplicably mowing the lawn at five in the morning, the people living over, under, and around us can be difficult. And yet of the many irritating scenarios you’ve no doubt experienced with them, I don’t think any neighbors have posed a greater challenge to Jesus’ most famous rule than the next-door extraterrestrials of District 9, a 2009 science fiction film directed by Neill Blomkamp. This brainy, grimy genre mashup imagined first contact as less of an existential and more of a humanitarian (alienarian?) crisis. It was a refreshingly original concept, executed with enough gritty style to make an overnight star of its freshman director, but will the film and our hosts overcome their differences and embark on a budding cross-species friendship, or will Nathan and Elliot flee like aliens from a ghetto in search of entertainment elsewhere? Strap in and avoid suspicious extraterrestrial canisters if at all possible as we find out!

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There’s no business like show business. Actually, I think there’s at least a couple businesses in which clueless narcissists and incompetent money men make fools of themselves both privately and professionally for the viewing pleasure of the masses, but perhaps none in environs so strenuous as Hollywood. Yes, the men and women behind the movies have to kill themselves in cutthroat work so contentious you might even say it’s . . . murder. At least that’s the case for the characters of The Player, a 1992 film directed by Robert Altman and based on the book by Michael Tolkin (no relation). This part noir, part comedy, part satirical sendup of what goes on behind the behind the scenes of moviemaking was a critical hit and awards darling thanks to its slick production and frequent celebrity cameos which haven’t aged poorly in any way whatsoever, and now aims for the most prestigious of awards: a kind word from Magellans at the Movies. But will the movie land a cushy, five picture contract in the hearts of our hosts, or will it receive nothing but a vague gesture towards a followup sometime in the next six months? If you don’t want to find out, keep it to yourself!

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I don't like alcohol. It's bitter and unhealthy, and it gets everywhere . . . you know, if you spill it. No sir, alcohol has never been for me, and indeed its popularity is on the decline across the U.S. these days. There was a time, however, when Americans were bonkers for beer, so much so that, when a passionate group of dissenters from this overwhelming liquor love instituted a nationwide ban, many were even willing to break the law to have a taste. Hence the rise of bootleggers, and further hence the events chronicled in The Untouchables, a 1987 crime drama directed by Brian De Palma and based(ish) on the book of the same name by Eliot Ness and Oscar Fraley. This cigar-chomping, machine-gunning examplar of gangster cinema portrays law enforcement's yearslong effort to bring down the infamous Al Capone with De Palma's distinctively smooth style, winning for itself respectable hauls of both kudos and cash. But will Nathan and Elliot raise a glass of illicit moonshine in honor of this crime classic, or will the film fall afoul of a seriously grouchy dinner party host with a penchant for baseball? Doff your fedora and polish your badge as we find out!

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What a nightmare it is to commute. To trudge in a great column of drones into the stone bellies of banks, firms, offices, and workshops only to retake your place in the same procession filtering back to homes where you eat, sleep, and prepare to do it all again. Yes, getting to work and going home can be a joyless affair, but at least we can thank our lucky stars the man at the toll booth doesn’t try to lock us in a cave to be devoured one by one. But that is just one of the many obstacles faced by the characters of The Odyssey, a 2026 epic fantasy film directed by Christopher Nolan and based on Odyssey by . . . uh, that’s actually more complicated than you might expect, so let’s just say Homer for tradition’s sake. Nolan’s controversial, hugely ambitious followup to his Oscar win was automatically a subject of great anticipation for fans Nathan and Elliot, but now that it’s finally out, will the film be greeted like a lost love returning from years of wandering, or will it sail too close to Charybdis and be claimed by the sea? Defy your responsibilities and listen to this extra-long episode to find out!

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Everyone loves an underdog story, and no unlikely triumph gets audiences on their feet like those shocking upsets which unfold in sports. The victory of the Earthy Lovable Small Town Spotted Toads over the Arrogant Wealthy Big City Polar Bears is certain to move make you a Spotted Toad fan for life because the inspiring, uplifting story is so hard to resist. What's true in real life is often true in movies as well, which is why we have films like Hoosiers, a 1986 sports drama directed by David Anspaugh and based(ish)on the successes of the 1954 season of the Milan High School basketball team. This feel-good fable of dunks, dribbles, and drunkards was hugely popular on release, and is held by many to be among the best sports movies of all time, so it was inevitable that a sports-loving relative of Magellans at the Movies would request it. Repeatedly. But will the movie stage a dominant performance on the court of quality, or will it bounce the ball of its foot in doleful ignominy? Jump in your jersey as we find out!

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Ah, the heady days of youth, throwing action figures down stairwells and smashing armies of toy soldiers together in shocking displays of poor generalship. You may remember these blissful hours fondly, but playtime may carry less nostalgia if you knew that every time you dropped G.I. Joe on his plastic head you were actually committing a grave crime against the health and dignity of a living, feeling creature. That’s right, you vile war criminal, according to Toy Story, a 1995 animated adventure directed by John Lasseter, you shouldn’t be fondly reminiscing about your adolescent adventures, you should be dragged before the Hague in chains! I’m being glib, of course, being dropped on the head is generally what a toy signs up for in the world of this beloved kids’ classic (though they draw a firm line at death by rocket), and it’s exactly that warm, familial sentiment which makes Toy Story the film that it is. We won’t be coy about this one, folks: Toy Story is an undeniable masterpiece, and Magellans at the Movies will spend the next forty five minutes or so extolling its many, many virtues. You’ve got a good podcast in me, so press play and I’ll be eternally grateful!

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