The only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance in one’s life is through rejection of alternatives, narrowing freedom, and a choice of commitment to one place, belief, and person.

People can’t solve problems for us and should not try as that won’t make us happy. Likewise, we can’t solve other people’s problems because that won’t make them happy.

People who blame others for their actions and emotions do so because they believe they constantly paint themselves as victims. Eventually, someone will come along and save them. They will receive the love they have always wanted.

People who take the blame for other people’s actions and emotions do so because they believe if they fix their partner and save them, they will receive the love and appreciation they have always wanted.

For victims, the hardest thing to do is hold themselves accountable for their problems. They have spent their whole life believing others are responsible for their fate. Taking responsibility is terrifying to them.

For savers, the hardest thing to do is stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems. They have spent their whole life feeling valued and loved only when saving somebody else. Letting go of this is terrifying to them as well.

There is a difference between doing something out of obligation and voluntarily. So there is a test to check the difference.

Ask yourself these questions: How would the relationship change if I refused? And If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the shift in relationship?

If the answer is that a refusal would cause a blowout of drama, it’s a bad sign of a relationship. That means the connection is conditional based on superficial benefits rather than unconditional acceptance of each other.

People with solid boundaries understand that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other hundred percent and fulfill every need the other has.

How to build trust? Without conflict, there can be no trust. Conflict shows us who is there for us unconditionally and who is there for the benefits. For a relationship to be healthy, both people must be willing and able to say no and hear no.

Commitment gives us freedom because it hones our attention and focus, directing us toward what is most efficient at making us healthy and happy. Commitment allows us to focus intently on critical goals and achieve tremendous success.