Today we replay the first in a number of popular episodes. We believe it's still a very relevant topic!!!

In today’s episode, we use a question posed to us by one of our listeners to have a discussion around what to do when your spouse seemingly pulls the old switch-a-roo and wants to make a major life change, despite previously agreeing with each other.

“Hi Destination Marriage! My husband and I are curious to hear your thoughts regarding the situation that has us currently at an impass. After 5 years of marriage my husband is adamant about having kids even though we both agreed prior to getting married that kids would not be part of our future. I was very open and honest with my husband that my desire was to be a career woman and I never felt the need to have children. He is constantly bringing up the topic and it’s causing us to argue. I feel misled because he knew my stance on the topic and agreed prior to committing to marriage. Where do we go from here now that we are both on completely different planets when it comes to having children?”

• We first discuss some general thoughts around these scenarios
  • Importance of pre-marital counseling
  • Importance of open and thoughtful communication – try to get to the bottom of what might be driving the firm stance? Fear, rejection, bad childhood?
  • When you should sacrifice and changing your stance in order to show love for your spouse
  • If you do change your stance, a commitment to not get bitter – ever!

Questions to ask???

• Is this simply a result of the husband changing over the last five years or did he deliberately mislead his wife in hopes that she would have a change of heart ?
• Is there really any room for compromise? This is a huge ask of the wife who clearly is career focused and could potentially have to put her career aspirations on hold.
• Be sensitive but also highlight the very real fact that when you’re holding that baby in your arms for the first time, your entire world changes and you can’t imagine life without that baby

Other similar scenarios:

• Husband and wife both work and contribute to the household income. Wife then decides she no longer wants to work after having their first child so she can be a stay at home mom. The option of the mom remaining home to focus on caring for their child was never discussed because both husband and wife agreed the wife would remain working in order to continue having two incomes. Now what?
• Same scenario but the husband wants his wife to stay at home and quit her 9-5 to soley focus on being a mom caring for the home. She however is excited to be a new mom but also loves working and wants to return to work which is creating an issue within the marriage.

• Join us as Tommy and I break down the latest 90 day fiancé arrest, our thoughts on the Tinder Swindler documentary and our personal experience with vitamin infusions.

• 90 Day fiancee arrest: In the latest 90 day fiancee news, Geoffrey Pashcel from season 4 of 90 day fiancee before the 90 days has been sentenced to 18 years in prison for domestic abuse and aggravated kidnapping. Now we both were wondering how they were able to sentence him to 18 years but apparently, Geoffrey had priors under his belt. Two federal drug charges for drug trafficking and possession with intent to sell a controlled substance were already on his wrap sheet when he was chosen to be on the show.

• Geoffrey portrayed himself as an outdoorsy single dad, fitness buff, entrepreneur, actor who is looking for love when he came on the show. His 90 day love interest, Varya, has made the move from Russia to the US and is still supporting him. The abuse charges against him were from his previous fiancee from before his 90 day fiancee days, Kristen Wilson.

• This man has to be the biggest narcissist to even apply to be on a tv show. Also, does anyone at TCL conduct a background check on these characters? I need to know!!! As much as I like to watch the drama unfold on this show, I would prefer they not employ abusers or kidnappers.

• TinderSwindler

• If you think that was alarming…just wait till you watch the TinderSwindler!!!! This new documentary walks us through a disturbing, alarming web of a story of a con man who used tinder to find his victims. …if you weren’t already uneasy about online dating, this may be the story that ends your desire to swipe right.

• First off, the story is told very well. They did a great job narrating, sharing detailed information from voicemail messages, texts and videos.

• Questions:

• How did he even start such a scam?
• How much money are we even talking about?
• Is this guy smart or is he just so desperate that he’s willing to try just about anything to live a lavish life he clearly didn’t earn?

• We’re trying new things in 2022!! We went to a wellness center to get vitamin infusions last week to help us get that boost of energy and replenish our bodies after being under the weather in December. The vitamin cocktail we chose was the Meyers cocktail – describe what this one is for and what’s included.

• IV – Drip – Myers Cocktail
  • What does the data say?
    • Science Based Medicine A closer look at vitamin injections. Scott Gavura on May 24, 2013

• “But despite all the hype and all the endorsements, there is no credible evidence to suggest that routine vitamin infusions are necessary or offer any meaningful health benefit. Vitamin infusions are a marketing creation, giving the illusion you’re doing something for your health, but lacking any demonstrable efficacy. What’s more concerning, providers of vitamin therapies target their marketing at those fighting life-threatening illnesses like cancer, selling unproven treatments in the absence of good scientific evidence that they are beneficial. The intravenous vitamin industry is a sideshow to science-based health care. Yes, there is an established medical role for injectable vitamins, though it’s no energy-boosting cure-all – they’re used to replace what we should obtain in our diet.”
• Intravenous micronutrient therapy (Myers' Cocktail) for fibromyalgia: a placebo-controlled pilot study

• Did it work?
• What did we feel?
• Cost effective?

• Topic: Episode #55 - Jackie's Adele experience, celeb breakups & annual planning for 2022
• Jump right into Adele news in Vegas
  • Talk about past trip
  • Residencies – used to be where performers go to die
  • Sucks to plan a trip around the concert to then have it cancel
• Jason Mamoa & Lisa Bonet Divorce
  • Jackie to read their full statement (other page)
  • Discuss the announcement – thoughts good/bad/who cares?
  • What happened, why divorce?
  • Age difference in marriages – does it work when the man is significantly younger than the woman?
• Annual Planning
  • Dive into where we went this year and why.
  • Discuss the home – Air BNB
  • Recap of annual planning goals, history, structure. Reference previous episode for greater details
  • Instead of going into specific details of the entire process, we wanted to instead talk about what has changed, improved, gotten worse?
    • Ways we have changed that aren’t positive? – Dreaming big vs reality?
    • Ways we have improved the process – discuss ideas from each of us.
  • What did we focus on this year vs. other years?
    • Heavy focus on a positive, forward looking vision for 2022. After the chaos of 2020 and 2021, we only looked to the future instead of dissecting the past year.
    • We spent a lot of time discussing our vision for the podcast and then writing out specific goals and steps to achieve them
    • We talked a lot about traveling and upgrades we want to do to our home.

We lost a whole month of our lives.

Happy New Year! Destination Marriage is back and ready for 2022 after an unplanned hiatus. Join us as we discuss how we recently lost an entire month of our lives. While everyone was knee deep in sugar cookies and gingerbread house making, we were knee deep in crackers and ginger ale. We’re sharing it all from body aches to the impact it had on us both as a married couple.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!!

• We recently watched the documentary called LulaRich which is a popular and well known MLM on comfortable clothing or magical like leggings that fit every and all shape. Yes, who doesn’t like a piece of clothing that fits all…right?!! And better yet..this was a product that if you “put your whole heart and soul into it” would determine the success of your business and your financial freedom. And mind you this MLM was targeting women who were typically stay at home moms that were daily struggling with their financial choices in order to make ends meet. • We’re going to discuss what we leared from the documentary, research regarding the hidden challenges or reprecussions and of course our thoughts. • So let’s dive in shall we? • You are the boss of what you choose to do… I actually love that saying and I fully support. • LulaRoe – an MLM, one of many that unfortunattly has made headlines for negative reasons which we will dive into but let’s first focus on who the are and how this got started for our listeners that may not be as familiar with the product/MLM. • Started in 2013 • Name originated from their first three grandaughers. • How it originated… • One of eleven children the founder of LulaRoe – Deanne Startup. • Met husband and business partner Mark Stidham on a plane. • She already had 7 children from a previous marriage. Single mom, broke but determined to live a lavish life. • Her idea started from home. She started making maxi skirts for her daughter and it grew into a business. She then sold items to her first retailer so they could start a side gig selling her maxi skirt product to their friends for a profit. Her retailers grew and LulaRoe was born. • Initial investment for retailers…$5000 • Selling breast milk? Borrowing money from fam members? Credit card charges? • Tijuana Skinny’s… Deanne took several of the TOP retailers to Mexico to get the gastric bypass surgery to lose weight so they could portray a certain look for LulaRoe. • Demographic limit…No protected territories • Some people took that box and turned it into a million dollars and some people took that box and put it in the closet because it scared them…???? • Bogus product..leggings soiled with mildew, moisture and foul smell. Left in the parking lot exposed to elements then shipped out to retailers. • 127,000 sq feet – at that time he was putting stuff outside in cages. It was exposed to the elements. Holes in product, tearing of leggings, shorter hems. They asked their retailers to take a hit to move the product regardless of the issue. • Pushing product than they could deliver at the same rate or level of quality. • Did anyone actually make real money? Not 10k but realy sustainable money to keep a family moving in the right direction towards financial freedom? • Responses from owners of LulaRoe to Retailers who were struggling to sell: o You’re stale o Youre in the wrong business • Is this a pyramid scheme? o Policy? o How you make money? o Compensation structure? o How much was spent monthly to buy product? o Buy back policy? • Compleltely went away – facebook groups went off the charts with women looking for representation • Defective products – Facebook group • Class Action Law suits: • Current payback to retailers at the time of deposition (year date ) 100 Million dollars • Make good refund policy nullified: • Daniel Kang – friendship – ghost squad. Fancy Swedish car squad • 100 people have filed for bankruptcy • They divorced • Compay targeted women who wanted to meet the needs of their family life by staying home to raise the kids and take care of the home. • 4.75 million settled with suit with the the state • LulaRoe is still currently doing business but many have left in droves.

Today we have a Dear Destination Marriage sent by a listener who is currently experiencing a power struggle.

"Dear Destination Marriage,

My husband and I have been married for six years but we’re experiencing a shift in our relationship that is stripping us of the happiness we once had and is causing a lot of arguments in our home. My husband and I both started out building our careers at the same time and came into the marriage with close to a 50/50 equal financial contribution. Within the last six months my husband has made leaps and bounds with his company and is making great money. While the increase in our financial pool is wonderful, his control over our finances and disregard for my thoughts on how money should be distributed is creating a great divide. I feel as though I have no voice and at this point every conversation ends up becoming an argument. Do you have any thoughts where we go from here?"

Questions:

1. What is the root of this type of behavior?
   1. Big head
   2. Previous money problems – recently crawled out of a 2020 hole?
   3. Added stress of new role – “Innocent” – doesn’t realize what he is doing to his wife?
   4. Fear of losing everything he’s earned?

1. Can financial power struggles be a sign of other underlying issues?

Suggestions:

1. Don’t stop talking to one another - Silence can be dangerous.
2. Take time to listen before responding.
3. Act in love
4. Keep the conversation on topic.

More extreme suggestions if things don’t get resolved:

1. Marriage counseling
2. Separate accounts (not sure if they’re separate now).

It’s National Mental Health month so what better time to address the upcoming holiday season. The holidays can be a wholesome time of building memories, indulging in your favorite foods and feeling the love of your family and friends but it can also be a tumultuous time for those who don’t have family nearby, have experienced a recent loss, are in the midst of a financial struggle. The reality is that the holidays can bring on a level of stress that may make us all in need of a mental health check but let’s discuss some thoughts on how to keep it as stress free and fulfilling as possible.

• Who wins when you blend family traditions in a new marriage?
• State the potential problem
  • Family personalities influencing decisions – guilt, anger, stubbornness, passive aggressive comments from family
  • Real and deeply held religious beliefs
  • Practical problems such as travel, same day events
  • Desire to start own tradition

• Our traditions and what we have blended and why
  • What has been successful
    • We benefit from having in-laws and extended families that enjoy being with each other.
    • Shared faith
    • We have been pretty firm in what we want to do and communicating our plans

• Examples
  • Christmas Eve
  • Food traditions – mixing it up
  • Switching b/t Christmas and Thanksgiving based on everyone’s schedules/family situations
  • We’ve held events at our home over the years because it’s an easier hub to blend both families with space and location.

Tips for a win/win experience in blending traditions and culture

• Discuss +/- of each and determine what is important to honor each side of family and balance that against your own nuclear family
• Plan ahead
• Be open to compromise
• Include an activity – a game, a craft, whatever it is just avoid idle time
• Effectively communicate your decisions to your respective families
• Be patient with one another when adapting to the other’s traditions
• Have realistic expectations
• Keep conversations that could pose as a land mine off limits
• Create a budget

Importance of Creating Your Own traditions - From the site artofmanliness.com

• Provide Source of Identity
• Stengthen the family bond
• Offer comfort and security
• Teach values
• Add to the rhythm and seasonality of life
• Pass on cultural and religious heritage
• Connect generations
• Create lasting memories