Today I am talking to my husband Bill about his experience of grief after the death of our son Matthew. Bill admits that he doesn’t like to talk about grief usually, but he felt inspired to share on this occasion after listening to other guests on my podcast.

Bill has not had any therapy and has decided to bury his grief in a box, in a big hole, covered in a thick layer of concrete. Bill’s advice for others though is to not do it like him! He uses dark humour to deal with most of life’s experiences and grief is no exception. Burying grief is not a strategy I would recommend but it’s important to remember that we do not judge how other people grieve.

When it comes to grieving, men and women often exhibit different patterns of coping and expressing their emotions. While these differences are by no means universal, they do tend to reflect general societal expectations, conditioning and gender roles that have been ingrained over time. For example, men may feel pressured to adopt a stoic behaviour and suppress their feelings as a way of upholding traditional notions of masculinity. Consequently, they might be more inclined to isolate themselves or engage in activities that distract them from the pain. On the other hand, women are generally encouraged to be more openly emotional and seek support from others during times of grief. This can manifest in sharing their feelings with friends or family members, seeking therapy or counselling, or participating in support groups. It is important to remember, however, that these differences are not absolute, and individuals may vary greatly in their grieving styles regardless of gender.

Bottling up your feelings or burying emotions can lead to all sorts of anxiety, depression, and even physical health issues. Allow yourself the space and time to feel what you need to feel - cry if you want, punch a pillow if it helps! Find healthy outlets like talking to a friend or therapist. Feeling is healing.

Acknowledging your emotions is the first step towards healing and finding true emotional well-being.

Recommended reading:

Letters to Matthew by Louise Bates, which include the poems as discussed in this episode: Shipwreck by G. Snow & The Twins Parable by Pablo Molinero.

Matthew's albums:

Fightback by Matt Bates

Kaleidoscope by Matt Bates

Louise Bates Links

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