“I’m still on a kind of mixed-grief journey, I guess,” says John Smith, father of two, who lost his wife Kathy to colon cancer nearly two years ago. She was diagnosed just as the World Health Organization declared Covid-19 an official emergency. They were living with her parents at the time, and John discusses the challenges he faced with his in-laws in the immediate period following Kathy’s death. Their approach to grief was completely different from his—they almost pretended it wasn’t happening—and they ended up having separate services. It was a lesson in recognizing that each person is someone different to all the people in his or her life. And many of those same people, who promised very early on to do whatever they could to help John, tended to naturally fall away over time. 

When it comes to meeting new people—people, as Mathew points out, who will never have known your wife—there is the awkwardness of having to tell them about her death for the first time. People’s reactions are strange but understandable. They almost go into denial, especially when you’re young and you have young children, almost as if by acknowledging that it happened to you they must acknowledge it could happen to anyone. Mathew says how important it is to have a weekly period of time to yourself no matter what you choose to do with it. 

John discusses the unique challenges of getting back out on the dating scene, just as a 40-something and particularly as a widower. He praises the community Mathew created where there is a balance of feeling safe to share feelings without being too overwhelming. He refers to it as a brotherhood.

Quotes

• “It's amazing how these kids can kind of figure it out on their own, and almost sometimes hold our hand and help us build that bridge and almost show us that it'll be okay.” (6:45-6:57 | Mathew)
• “First and foremost, she was the best mother that my kids could have asked for. She was just amazing with the kids in every possible way. And again, that puts more pressure on. ‘How can I ever live up to that?"  (42:17-42:51 | John)

Links

Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/groups/solodadpodcast/

https://www.amazon.com/Group-Seven-Widowed-Fathers-Reimagine/dp/0190649569#:~:text=Book%20details&text=The%20Group%20offers%20a%20singular,the%20deaths%20of%20their%20wives.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/id1474245040

https://podcasts.apple.com/be/podcast/tragedy-grief-healing-and-finding-happiness-kelsey/id1400828889?i=1000563252227

Colon Cancer Awareness info

https://fightcolorectalcancer.org/

https://www.ccalliance.org/

https://coloncancercoalition.org/

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