Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing. We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent.

Time Stamps

4:55 Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency. This is respect if you change your perspective

6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis

7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word

7:10-13:40 Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversation

• One way conversation works when the child is likely to be dysregulated
• Two way conversation works when we both want to share our ideas and perspectives

13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions

15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behavior

• Parents often miss when a child is being respectful

19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent

21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated

• 22:14 Assume that your child may be carrying a burden and ask them directly if that may be true

24: 50 Role play with validation

27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated.

• Validate in order de-escalate the child’s emotions

28:15 Keep it short and sweet. Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak

32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo

33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment

35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn

36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelings

Resources:

Leslei’s Handout on a Dialectic Synthesis

Leslie’s Video on Listening to Your Own Advice

Leslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by Sarah

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support

Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session. In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important. In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is critical for creating a validating environment which fosters a "good" parent-child fit.

Time Stamps

1:48 Defining the parent-child fit

3:21 The “goodness” of fit vs the “poor” fit

4:03 Creating a safe environment for the child to feel safe, feel capable, feel seen

4:45 Balancing between accepting your child vs changing your child

6:34 Figuring out what works to validate everyone’s needs

6:44 Respect = creating a validating environment

6:58 An example of unintentionally creating an invalidating environment

8:30 A dialectic dilemma is the tension between expectations or needs

8:40 The synthesis is the solution to the dilemma

9:10 Name it for the child that they may be different but not bad!

10:38 Asking parents to open their eyes to ALL of their children, not just the child with the disruptive behaviors

11:57 - 16:08 Steps to create a good parent-child fit

1. This is called the bio-social fit - a transactional model
   1. Look at biological make up your child
   2. Look at the environment (the parent, the teacher, the classroom)
2. Acknowledge the differences without judgement
   1. Validate, validate, validate
3. Use flexible thinking and problem-solving including Brainstorming
4. Balance between acceptance and change
   1. Be creative in your solutions
5. Respect, connect and collaborate with your child

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit

Leslie-ism: Remember to respect, connect and collaborate with your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to Season 3! We start this season off with a family from Australia. Sarah is a mom of 2 boys- James is 12, Noah is 15, Sarah and her husband are both ex-military personnel which has a direct impact on their parenting. In today’s episode we discuss how Sarah’s parenting style matches with James who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many parents can probably relate to Sarah who tween is a really good negotiator especially when it comes to getting off video games. We explore the big picture concept of the parent-child fit. I also discuss and teach practical skills including setting the stage, coping ahead, and brainstorming to support Sarah in her parenting.

Time Stamps

6:18 How a parent feels when a child is defiant:

7:30 When a parent is works on rules and boundaries and command and your child doesn’t work that way

8:55 Children who work well with predictability and structure like knowing what will happen and when it will happen and how it's going to happen.

10:30 Sarah changes her words from “his emotional regulation problems” to emotional regulation that is still developing

11:36 Raising an obedient child is different from raising a responsible child

11:41- 14:40 1When a parent thinks that a child’s behavior is a reflection of them (personalizing their behavior) and which leads to mom-guilt

17:00 When parents get diagnosis for their child and when they fear how their child will respond to a diagnosis

18:32 Describing the concept of a “good fit” between the child and the parent as well as the child and its school environment

20:42 The difference between a validating environment and an invalidating environment

23:49 Turn the volume down on the “shoulds” and increase the volume up on the learning. What have I learned from this? - A learning model of raising kids

26:55 When your child is an avid gamer and the challenges associated with it.

28:35 Describing a skill called “Setting the Stage” - prepare your child for what is likely to happen and how they will respond vs how they want to respond

30:50 An example of using the brainstorming skill

34:47 Don’t judge the big emotional reactions, just plan for it

35:50 A description of the Cope Ahead Skill (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy)

38:10 Practicing skills over and over again is what makes them effective

39:00 Parenting is a long-term investment

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit

Leslie’s Handout: Misbehavior is a form of communication

Leslie’s Handout: Raising a Responsible Child vs Raising an Obedient Child Dialectic Behavior Therapy Cope Ahead Skill Handout

Leslie-ism: Take a look at your parent-child fit,

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produ