Why do we engage with people? Some say it’s because we have no other option. However, life is about relationships. Work, family, romantic, erotic, friends, offspring, siblings, neighbors, strangers, society, nations…it is all about relationships. Regardless of the type, there are degrees of TLC that apply to the context. So, what is TLC? Tender loving care.

A couple weeks ago I was catching up with my friend Jack*. We were making the rounds on all the subjects, work, kids, family and finally he opens up about what was on his chest – a TLC deficit in his relationship. For him, TLC was just tenderness, consideration and affection. This surprised me not because of the need but the importance that he was giving it. He’s right though in making it a priority. If sex is the balm in a relationship, TLC is the glue. Let’s define TLC as respect, courtesy and affection, they are the niceties that help make you feel cared for by someone close to you.

Jack and his partner Lin have been together almost ten years and they appear from the outside to have the typical cordial relationship of two people that get along well, but perhaps lacking sweetness. As with many relationships, there was nothing wrong on a grand scale, but perhaps just lack of attention to the details.

Let’s be clear, these are external judgements on how a couple appears to the rest of the world and is in no need an indication of how healthy or not they may be. The only reason that I can draw these conclusions for Jack and Lin is because my perceptions are verified by him. Furthermore, in this instance, I only had one side of the story. Another disclaimer on sweetness. Some will argue that this is simply not the way they communicate or what they like. Of course, we all have distinct ranges of expression. Conversely, that isn’t to excuse those that are flat out cynical, cutting and sarcastic constantly with those around them. This erodes emotional bonds long term, of any nature. Sarcasm and cynicism have their place, but when it becomes the normal tone between people, you can almost bet how long that relationship will last. If this seems like your MO, I challenge you to reflect as to why you choose to communicate in this way and if it is yielding you the results you wish for in your relationships. No one wants puppies and flowers all the time, but neither a bitter cynic. Just because you’ve trained a certain way of being doesn’t mean you can’t change it nor that it’s the best for you. Remember, you train both the good and the bad.

So, what is it about this sweetness that is so important? Why does it matter?

Do you remember the last time you were sick, in pain or distress and alone? What did you long for at that moment? Of course, for the ailment to cease, but possibly the comfort of a loved one. It may have been the nurturing touch of a mother or father or another person that has been present in previous distressing situations or simply someone that brings you a lot of peace and security. I chose this example because it draws on a very basic human need of comfort and nurture. The requirements of this need are ample in their expression and priority depending on the context. But unless there is significant mental illness or imbalance, the need is present in all of us. It translates into a palpable sensation of love. The “sweetness” that we express to those around us creates a positive feedback loop of feeling cared for, which some will understand directly as being loved. This, if it isn’t reinforced periodically, can lead to someone having a perfectly functioning relationship in which either part can feel unloved or uncared for. Lack of sweetness doesn’t mean there is abuse or disrespect, but it’s the difference between going to a government office with a civil servant that is simply fulfilling the tasks required and going to your local coffeeshop where the owner greets you by name, asks about your...