Episode 6: What Is My Identity?

**All commentary is my own and copyrighted** ©Gin

Today, I am going to be talking about a sensitive subject that is happening in the world right now.

 I have to say that I have been feeling down for the past several weeks, and I couldn't really identify where it was coming from. I had this generalized anxiety and sadness. And it kind of came together for me the other day, when I was scrolling on CNN.

I watched the horrific video of the 65 year old Asian woman being stomped and kicked for no reason, while other people stood by and watched. I was livid, sad, and speechless. And I don't have anyone to share these thoughts with.

It triggered me thinking about my childhood. My mother, married my father, who was in the Air Force, she was older than him. And she lived in Japan. Her brother and sister basically stopped speaking to her because she married a white man. They eventually came to the States. At four, we moved back to Japan.

 We lived on the Air Force Base. And I am so happy to say that even back in I guess it would be 1967 to 1971, I grew up in a completely diverse and safe living environment, and classrooms. The kids got along together, we didn't get teased, nobody got bullied. I don't remember any type of racial hatred ever… my neighbors were Black, White, Brown, etc.

I formed an opinion of how the world was based on the community on the Air Force Base. We then moved to California. And it was a neighborhood where most of the kids had parents in the military. And it was still safe, but not as much. And of course, my mother being Japanese, she felt very much at home in Japan- we had so many field trips, and I never felt different.

Then, it came time for my parents to buy a home. And we moved to a lower class neighborhood. It definitely wasn't middle class and because I had this experience of freedom and acceptance in my elementary school in Japan, I was completely unprepared for my new elementary school.

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I got called names I had never heard. And I would go home and ask my parents, “What does this mean?” And I didn't realize, until yesterday when I sat there thinking about this, that this is still part of my story. And part of my shame, maybe, and why I have such a strong stance against bullying of anybody.

I was bullied and called names by Black, Brown, and White children. They had never met anyone like me, who was part Asian. Also, my parents raised me pretty strictly. I had to wear dresses every day as a girl. And so when you're in fourth, fifth and sixth grade, and you're the only one wearing dresses, besides the fact that I was having to study on my own because I was advanced for my grade- I stood out. They didn't want to move me up because I was already younger than people in my class. I remember a cruel joke that they played on me one day during recess. There was a Dairy Queen across the street from our school. And sometimes, people would go to Dairy Queen and bring back slushies or something. We had these huge 18 Wheeler tires that we would sit in. And of course, because I had a dress, I had to be very careful getting in and out of this tire, but somebody brought a cup from Dairy Queen. And, you know, it looked like they were sharing it around the circle in the tire. Well, when it got to me, I drank from the straw, which it looked like everybody who was doing. And lo and behold, it was actually raw eggs, and they had all set me up on that. And they did that on purpose to make fun of me. And to this day, I cannot stand raw egg in any way shape or form. I cannot see any of it running on my plate, or I get a gag reflex.

So that is my experience in my elementary school. And then there was junior high. My neighborhood, we were bused to a white junior high. And, again, I was one of two half-Asian students. And I believe there were probably three Vietnamese students