One of the hardest parts about losing a son or daughter is that we also lose parts of ourselves. I thought that the mountains would help heal me when Sam died and instead, I only occasionally have had the energy to drive up there and step on a trail.

Hiking and running went from something I craved to something I didn't have to energy to even think about. I began to feel like I would never enjoy the mountains again, a place I had considered a home away from home for years.

Just recently, however, I noticed that instead of fighting myself to keep going, as I had for the past 18 months, I was enjoying myself again. I didn't see it coming but suddenly I felt the joy of being up there again.

In today's episode, I talk about the 5 choices that I have made while grieving for Sam that have helped me reconnect with this part of myself and also why I think it is so important that each of us work through our loss in a way that is authentic to us.

Grief doesn't work on a time line or in a linear fashion but we each have an internal energy and knowing of what we need during this time. I want to encourage each of us to use this knowledge courageously because I have found that it's helping me reclaim parts of myself that I thought were gone forever.

I am not a counselor or a doctor or here to give advice. I am a grieving mom, here to share my experience and what is helping me through this grief. Thank you for stopping by.

Sam died 18 months ago and there is a lot of information that I don't have regarding his death. Most of it I haven't even tried to find out. I still haven't even visited the place he died.

I feel guilty that I don't know everything but it feels like the information might be too painful to accept. And, nothing will change the fact that Sam is gone.

Losing a son or daughter to addiction usually means that we have to accept very uncomfortable truths about them dying this way. In this episode, I share some of the questions I still have regarding Sam's death, why I haven't asked, and why I may never find out the answers.

In today's episode, we discuss the science of how our brain operates when we lose someone we are very close to, based on the book "The Grieving Brain" (The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss), by Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD. https://maryfrancesoconnor.org/book

We tend to believe that grief rests in our feelings and emotions but the truth is, our brain has a lot to do with our angst because of the processes it has developed through evolutionary needs. Our brain literally needs to re-learn how to live without the person we love so much.

In this episode, we are going through the first chapter, where we learn about virtual reality brain maps, why they exist, and how part of our grieving process is actually about learning how to rewire these brain maps and giving ourselves the time to do so.

I am not a doctor or a psychologist and I am not here to offer advice but to share my story of losing my son to addiction and trying to move forward in life again.

I have never been a perfect mom but the guilt I have felt over Sam's death has been relentless and I know that I am not alone. Parents like me are left with endless tragic questions that will never be answered. Most importantly, what decisions could I have made differently?

In today's episode, I discuss how losing a son or daughter to addiction isn't a reflection of bad parenting but often a cumulation of many factors including brain chemistry, ease of access, and the times we live in.

It's important to recognize that losing our son or daughter doesn't mean that we failed and also to remember the many things we did right and how much we loved them and tried to save them.

We can't change what happened but we can and should give ourselves the grace to recognize that our kids' addiction was not all about us.

As always, I will also remind us all of 3 simple but very effective ways to lift ourselves up on a daily basis and the limerick I have written for Sam this week.

Every parent who loses a son or daughter to addiction is left with many more questions than answers. For me, different questions haunt me at different stages. Today, I talk about 4 that are heavy on my heart right now and why.

Also, I discuss why I believe that it is important to experience grief at it's fullest in a systematic way. The temptation to avoid the hardest thoughts and discussions can be high but healing doesn't work that way. It's like a video game, we can't skip levels, even the ones we can hardly stand to experience.

At the end of this episode, as always, I leave you with 3 simple but very effective ways that we can all feel better each day, as well as the limerick that I have written for Sam this week.

I am not a medical professional or a counselor, I am a grieving mom, here to share my story and the ways I am using to move forward on a daily basis.

In today's episode, I discuss how I discovered that even the positive transitions we make during our healing journeys can trigger us, cause us extra stress, and even carry the great potential to set us back.

I will also talk about the importance of maintaining the routines that we have found benefit us at this time and why I believe that staying consistent with this podcast is one of the ways I will end up helping myself the most.

I am not a doctor or a psychologist, I am a grieving mom, here to share my experience and how I am trying to move forward to find healing and joy again.

In today's episode, I talk about 3 of my biggest current struggles with healing at 17 months: The work to payoff ratio is depressingly skewed, I struggle to trust the process, and I can't seem to reconnect with important parts of myself..

I share why I think it's important to keep pushing myself forward through these struggles and 4 ways I have found that help me.

Commitment to healing after losing a son or daughter is not an inclination, it's a choice. It's not something we wake up feeling like doing every day, even most days, but it's important and necessary. One of the reasons I started podcasting was to commit myself to this process. Thanks for stopping by.

I am not a doctor or a counselor and I am not here to offer advice. I am here to share my experience and how I am trying to heal and move through it.

I have been an on again/off again drinker all of my life, always stopping for a while if I felt like I was starting to drink too consistently. When Sam died, however, I was confronted with the fact that alcohol was getting in the way of me healing from my grief and I no longer cared enough to regulate my drinking.

In this podcast, I explore what I know about Sam's drinking and I also get very candid about my own history, including the time I had alcohol poisoning and lost control of all body functions at 15 years old, and the specific reasons that I was ready to quit for good 6 months ago.

As always, at the end of the episode I will talk about 3 ways to move forward just a little bit today and this week's limerick, titled "My Ode to Alcohol."

Thanks for stopping in.