LEADERSHIP LESSONS FROM MY CHILDREN

MEET THY MOUNTAIN

I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can only rest for a moment, for with freedom come responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not ended.

-       Nelson Mandela

My son and I were cycling up a hill. He had just learnt to ride his bike and he was now riding his bike with confidence. He seemed to enjoy thinking, his mind constantly contemplating whatever task he was doing or about to do. Yet he also had learnt that in spite of all the thinking and planning, there was still uncertainty as to whether the outcome would be good or bad. He, therefore, depending on the challenge he faced, could choose to get completely exhilarated or be filled with absolute fear.

So there we were cycling up a hill. He naturally stood up on the bike pedals to create the force needed to propel the bike up the hill. The energy he utilized to get up the hill was just right: he was not fixated on getting up the hill too fast allowing him to take in the surrounding scenery. Neither was it too slow, which would have resulted in him struggling to get to the top. He was in balance enjoying the surroundings as well around him as well focused enough to get to the top. He was expending the optimal amount of energy to achieve the task. He was in rhythm and in flow. He was meeting his mountain.

In life, we face daily ‘mountains’ that are the various obstacles and challenges we experience. Some, we are able to overcome without a second thought. Many, stop us in our tracks and we have no idea how to tackle them. Sometimes they seem to last forever and no matter what we do they are insurmountable. We may decide to avoid and go around them. At other times, there seems no way around as the mountain range seems to just go on forever. Later, it seems that very same mountain range was minuscule in comparison to the mountains we face today.

This life we live, throws us the most powerful of challenges that seem to overwhelm us. Regardless of age, strength, power, position or prestige, none can say we can overcome whatever mountain life throws at us. They may make or break us, grow or destroy us. We may rise over them or be overwhelmed and forever be in their shadow.

As adults the challenges we face define who we are. They define our growth physically, mentally and emotionally. We see them as blocking further endeavours. It is far too tough and painful to climb these mountains. We begin to believe that we cannot progress or grow further. It is hard work and we start to question why we must. We perceive it as a futile exercise. Gradually, these mountains define the limits of our world and what we can achieve. We settle and live in the shadow of what we define us, the various mountains surrounding us. Not as beautiful scenery but serving as the limits to what we can see. They become our walls and boundaries to growth. We know no other world than the valley between our mountains.

Fascinatingly, we may get angry with all those who may challenge our walls and boundaries. We see them as a threat. Why? We see the mountains as safe and protective. ‘Who cares what lies beyond?’ we may endeavour to justify. Stick with the known, rather than experiencing the pain and hardship of discovering the unknown. We may even go to the extreme of fighting to protect that which holds us back. Many wars that we humans have fought have been to protect an old social order that had long...

WHAT YOU THINK, FEEL AND DO/HOW DO WE GET LIFE TO GO OUR WAY/WHY DOESN’T LIFE GO OUR WAY AND HOW DO WE CHANGE THAT

“At this moment in time, is Life listening to what you think, considerate to what you feel and in alignment with what you do? Have people and circumstances in your life embraced what you expected? Has the universe obeyed the logic and rationality of your mind? Is this the story and the movie of your life as you imagined it to be?” These are some of the questions I ask those who have plunged deep into the abyss of a negative mood state.

When those with depression come to consult with me initially, they relate the circumstances that facilitated their melancholic state to the point where they’re sitting across the table from me. Life threw them a curveball regarding circumstances and relationships in their life. As much as in the past they were getting through life quite fine, there was a point it all changed it all became far too much.

In answer to the questions, all shake their heads. Life is not listening to what they think, inconsiderate to what they feel and definitely not aligned with what they do. Life has turned out unexpected. It is illogical. Irrational, not their story and definitely not the movie they had imagined. The story related is sad and depressing. The movie is one wherein they are the victims.

We may be fortunate enough to have a powerful and strong mind. Be further bestowed with position, power, fame and fortune. We may then choose to intimidate, manipulate people and coerce events to suit us. Yet, life will take its own course. As much as people at times may do what you want them to do, at other times they will behave as they wish to with no consideration for what’s on your mind. The events turn out contrary to your mind.  

Like a record stuck, the mind replays the story it wanted in the hope of a change, yet the reality is different. Eventually giving up on its expectations, it has no place to go. With no answers or solutions, the mind stagnates, uncertain and indecisive as to the future. There seems no way out.  

The mind gets depressed hitting the proverbial brick wall. It loses confidence and self-esteem in itself. It is overwhelmed, becomes anxious and fearful of the future as it cannot trust itself in. No matter what the mind may think, feel or do with its body there is no predictable outcome, has no impact on life and therefore seems wrong.

At this point, it feels that the whole world is conspiring against you. There is a slump in energy. We struggle to make it through the day. What then is the way forward? Rather than life listening, being considerate and in alignment with us, I need to be the other way around. We need to listen, be considerate and be in alignment with life. Rather than people and circumstances embracing us, we need to embrace them. We need to participate in a story and movie determined by life in obedience to the principles of life.

We need to humble ourselves, engage and embrace this life and universe in its entirety. We need to go beyond our mind and open up to the infinite awareness of all that life has to offer. Rather than the one tracked opinion of the mind, we need to be aware of the infinite possibilities that exist. To allow for the ebb and flow that life offers.

No matter how powerful and strong our mind is, the universe is infinite times more powerful and strong. No matter what we may think, feel and do, there is an infinite potential of responses life can offer to us. There is a far higher likelihood that life doesn’t go our way. In fact, it’s amazing the little that does go our way.

To embrace life and all that the universe throws at us, we have to detach and let go of our mind. Detachment means we do our absolute best, yet have no attachment to the outcome of what we do. We surrender with no expectation as to the outcome. We’re now living in a state wherein we embrace life...

How many times do children fall when they attempt to walk for the first time? We know he or she falls hundreds of time, sometimes getting hurt in the process. Yet is driven by curiosity and wonder about the new world it is discovering. They persevere in spite of all the challenges and obstacles they encounter to standing upright. They demonstrate resilience that sees them succeed. There is no such thing as failure in their mind and world.

Fortunately, children learn to walk before they can talk. If we adults were able to communicate to them at that tender age, we may instil in them our fear, anxiety and limiting beliefs on the task. We would express that the world is fraught with danger and that they have to be careful if they wish to venture forth. As much as we mean well, we would teach them the concept of failure thus instilling a fear, that may very well outweigh the excitement of discovery.

I ask a particular question to inpatients at our group session in the wellness clinic. “How many times is it appropriate to fail, before we justifiably give up?”

All seem to know what answer to give to the question. Answers would range from ten too numerous to infinite. All would agree, nodding in approval. That we must keep on trying.               

There would be no choice but to ask, therefore, the inevitable next question. “How many times did we fail before we gave in to the circumstances in our life, leading us to be here?”

Many would acknowledge that as much as they had tried and failed, they eventually gave up. Some had tried numerous times before they had succumbed. Some had tried a few times. For others, it was just that one curveball, for example, that one broken relationship that had broken them. They eventually found themselves overwhelmed by the situation. They felt they had failed leading to admission and treatment.

As much as we recognize nowadays that we must never stop trying, most of us may try once or twice and then give up. Yes, it does feel like it’s a barrage of challenges we face every moment.  We endeavour to rise, yet we struggle and fall down. We define ourselves as having failed and don’t try again. We take on the mindset of being a victim of the circumstances of our life.

When patients I admitted, as part of the initial interview, I always ask. “What is it that you fear?”

The number one answer I receive is a failure. We set a high standard of meeting up to society’s expectations and thereby fitting in with what is defined as success. We constantly are aspiring to some manmade criterion for fear of not fitting in into the defined paradigm of having arrived. If we have not met up this defined standard, we feel we have failed. All have imposed such a high expectation on themselves; it seems we deliberately set ourselves up for failure.

When we feel we’ve failed, we hit rock bottom mentally and emotionally, it can take years for us to recover. Failure strikes us down and seems to hold us there. We have not met up to societal expectations and we see no way out as the society we live in the world that we live in and this world is all we know. We wear the label and title of failure, too fearful to try again as this means possibly having to deal with the whole emotional repercussions of failure, all over again.  The energy and enthusiasm that once gripped us, seems to be lost forever. We can only reminisce about the good times that once were as we dwell in the abyss of that what we feared most, we have become.

Why do one or two failures define who we are? Why do we fall then into the pits of depression and not rise again? Why do we not dust ourselves off, like the children we once were and try again?

Remember a time at school, college or university when we wrote a test or exam? How many answers were they to a question? Generally, there is just one answer...