We’re back in the Wizarding World yet again talking about a truly dreadful one this time. What good is a universe of wizards and fantastic beasts if everything is drained of color and everyone is miserable? If you were planning to escape the real world for two hours while watching Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, you’ll be sadly disappointed to find there’s a lot of events and quotes spoken verbatim from our real life in this movie than you’d expect. So grab your cool stick and put that blood troth around your neck as we’re going back to Hogwarts (briefly) to discuss the movie with returning guest Jennie Lee, as well as how Newt has become a neutered version of Ash Ketchum, Jennie’s insane “hear me out”, and our own potential coup with our 200th episode poll of which we’ll detail the results. You don’t want to miss this one!

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore stars Eddie Redmayne, Jude Law, Mads Mikkelsen, Ezra Miller, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Callum Turner, Jessica Williams, and Katherine Waterston. Directed by David Yates.

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Ooh, baby! We’re about to cross the 200-episode milestone of our show, and we have yet to cover a proper Friday the 13th movie. So we figured why not get one in at the last minute? Or at least the one where it’s not even Jason but an imposter. That’s right: if you’ve managed to avoid this spoiler for 40 years, Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning is one of the few Jason-less Friday the 13th films, and it’s buck wild. Can a movie be as (literally) dirty as it is horny? Grab some enchiladas and come along with us to find out as we discuss the film plus what went on behind on the scenes (nothing good, it turns out), paying to “prank” your vehicle, and the best Hitchcock film for the lead character to soil themselves in. All of that and a hell of a lot more with special guest Brad Anderson of the Not a Bomb podcast.

You can check out Not a Bomb on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning stars Melanie Kinnaman, John Shepherd, Shavar Ross, Richard Young, and Marco St. John. Directed by Danny Steinmann.

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Trap is truly one of those love-it-or-hate-it movies. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. Is it a hell of a fun ride? We think so – well, most of us. Can Cooper Trap get out of this sting operation masquerading as a pop concert? Hartnett is back and we couldn’t be happier seeing him in this wild film from the great M. Night Shyamalan. So grab your ticket, find your seat, and enjoy the refreshments as you hear us talk about the movie, as well as topics such as M. Night’s complete misunderstanding of how concerts function, Sabrina Carpenter kidnapping us and feeding us to Barry Keoghan, and “gargoyling”. All of that and so much more with returning Dreamer Girl Ashley McGlothren. This episode is gonna be crispy!

You can check out Southern Haunts and Oh, That’s a Scary Movie on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Trap stars Josh Hartnett, Ariel Donoghue, Saleka, Hayley Mills, Alison Pill, and Marnie McPhail. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

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If you’ve ever worked on a feature length film before, you know one thing is for certain: it’s a miracle any movie ever gets made. It’s even more impressive when a bunch of scrappy filmmakers set out to make one with close to nothing for a budget. Hell House LLC is the first of many sequels in an original franchise that may not be the best found footage horror movie of all time, but it’s definitely a sincere effort in comparison to the tons of bad films of its kind you’ll find going straight to streaming. We’ll let you know if it’s worth watching as we discuss it this week. Plus we’ll detail our own haunted house experience, the one bad joke that may ultimately have broken Nathan, and we finally answer the question definitively – is Hitch a good movie? All of that and a hell of a lot more with returning guest Michael Moss.

Hell House LLC stars Ryan Jennifer Jones, Danny Bellini, Gore Abrams, Jared Hacker, Adam Schneider, and Alice Bahlke. Directed by Stephen Cognetti.

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All aboard! Step onto The Midnight Meat Train with us as this week we’re talking about the 2008 box office bomb from Ryûhei Kitamura. Bradley Cooper is about to pop with The Hangover next year, but before he can do that he has to take a ride on the subway with Vinnie Jones in this strange horror thriller. Is this a secret hit? The only way to find out is to listen to our episode. So grab your train ticket and have a seat as we discuss Ted Raimi’s odd staying power on our show, the queer allegory theory about the film, and where to get that sweet chainmail armor Cooper dawns in this movie. Yustice for Yurgis!

The Midnight Meat Train stars Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb, Tony Curran, Brooke Shields, Roger Bart, and Vinnie Jones. Directed by Ryûhei Kitamura.

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As the great poet Gwen Stefani once said: this shit is bananas. 1977’s House (aka Hausu) is anything but conventional – piano monsters, mattress tornados, dancing skeletons, and a painting that spews blood. What doesn’t this movie have? For some it may be a bit too much, but for others it’s a feast for the eyes. So pack your bags and grab a slice of watermelon cause we’re going to Auntie’s house this week as we discuss the film as well as the story of how the film was made, Melody inspiring one of the greatest emo anthems of all time, and quite a bit about the ‘70s cartoon Speed Buggy with returning guest Priscilla Hendry.

House (aka Hausu) stars Kimiko Ikegami, Miki Jinbo, Ai Matubara, Kumiko Oba, Mieko Sato, Eriko Tanaka, Masayo Miyako, and Yōko Minamida. Directed by Nobuhiko Ôbayashi.

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We’re not quite done discussing bondage and all things kinky this week as we cover a movie we guarantee you’ve never heard of. 2000’s Jill Rips (also known as Jill the Ripper or Tied Up) is such a bad movie that it defies explanation. With more fade-to-blacks than a TV show, this thing isn’t just poorly made – it’s boring too. But what isn’t boring is our episode. So suit up in your favorite latex costume and grab a Boston cream donut to listen to us talk all about this abysmal film. Plus the iOS-Dolph Lundgren conspiracy, the worst codeword to use in a sex club, the special joke hidden in Dustin’s envelope, and a lot more are all discussed in less than the runtime of the film.

Jill Rips (aka Jill the Ripper aka Tied Up) stars Dolph Lundgren and Danielle Brett. Directed by Anthony Hickox.

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Valentine’s Day is this week – a special time of year where couples and crushes come together to celebrate their romance with one another. But one couple will be doing no such thing. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (totally real names) have some problems they need to work on (but they won’t.) Make no mistake: Fifty Shades of Grey is a terrible movie, and we’re here to tell you why. So grab your floggers and spread wide cause this episode we’re getting real sexy as we discuss everything from “secret” jeans to nanobot sex toys and even the unmistakable scent of ovulation. Oh yeah, it’s that kind of episode. All of that and a lot more with returning guest Brian Cottington of The Cinema Psychos Show.

You can check out The Cinema Psychos Show on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Fifty Shades of Grey stars Marcia Gay Harden, Jamie Dornan, Rita Ora, Dakota Johnson, Max Martini, Luke Grimes, Callum Keith Rennie, Victor Rasuk, Jennifer Ehle, and Eloise Mumford. Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson.

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