Chapter 9. And then you die

Marc says death scares us; because we avoid thinking about it, talking about it, and sometimes even acknowledging it, even when it’s happening to someone close to us.

Marc here shares the example of Becker’s most influential intellectual book. The denial of death. Becker argued that we are all aware at some level that our physical self will eventually die, and death is inevitable, and that is our biggest fear.

To compensate for this fear, we try to construct a conceptual self that will live forever. Therefore, people try so hard to put their names on buildings, statues, and spines of books. All the meaning in our life is shaped by this innate desire never to die.

In ancient Greek and Roman history, people were to keep death in mind to appreciate life more and remain humble in the face of adversity. Likewise, in various forms of Buddhism, the practice of meditation is often taught as a means of preparing for death while staying alive.

Marc says we all need to learn to accept death and make the thought of our own death lighter. This can be done by identifying and confronting our entitlement, taking problems of our problems, suffering through fears and uncertainties, accepting failures, and embracing rejections.

So this was the book that I have tried to implement entirely in my life, and I am thrilled with the result.

The only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance in one’s life is through rejection of alternatives, narrowing freedom, and a choice of commitment to one place, belief, and person.

People can’t solve problems for us and should not try as that won’t make us happy. Likewise, we can’t solve other people’s problems because that won’t make them happy.

People who blame others for their actions and emotions do so because they believe they constantly paint themselves as victims. Eventually, someone will come along and save them. They will receive the love they have always wanted.

People who take the blame for other people’s actions and emotions do so because they believe if they fix their partner and save them, they will receive the love and appreciation they have always wanted.

For victims, the hardest thing to do is hold themselves accountable for their problems. They have spent their whole life believing others are responsible for their fate. Taking responsibility is terrifying to them.

For savers, the hardest thing to do is stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems. They have spent their whole life feeling valued and loved only when saving somebody else. Letting go of this is terrifying to them as well.

There is a difference between doing something out of obligation and voluntarily. So there is a test to check the difference.

Ask yourself these questions: How would the relationship change if I refused? And If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the shift in relationship?

If the answer is that a refusal would cause a blowout of drama, it’s a bad sign of a relationship. That means the connection is conditional based on superficial benefits rather than unconditional acceptance of each other.

People with solid boundaries understand that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other hundred percent and fulfill every need the other has.

How to build trust? Without conflict, there can be no trust. Conflict shows us who is there for us unconditionally and who is there for the benefits. For a relationship to be healthy, both people must be willing and able to say no and hear no.

Commitment gives us freedom because it hones our attention and focus, directing us toward what is most efficient at making us healthy and happy. Commitment allows us to focus intently on critical goals and achieve tremendous success.

Chapter 7. Failure is the way forward

Improvement at anything is based on thousands of tiny failures, and the magnitude of our success is based on how many times we have failed at something.

If someone is better than us, it’s likely because she has failed at it more than we have. If someone is worse than us, it’s likely because he has not been through all of the painful learning experiences we have.

A young child trying to learn to walk will fall and hurt himself many times, but at no point does the child thinks that walking is not for him and I am not good at it.

Most of us reach a place where we are afraid to fail, and we start avoiding failure.

We can be truly successful at something we are willing to fail at. If we are unwilling to die, then we are reluctant to succeed.

Many people, when they feel some form of pain or anger or sadness, drop everything and attend to numbing out whatever they are feeling.

They aim to return to feeling good as quickly as possible, even if that means returning to their shitty values.

Marc shares the learning from his Maths teacher that if you are stuck on a problem, don’t just sit and think about it. Instead, start working on it.

Even if you don’t know what you are doing, working on it will eventually cause the right ideas to appear in your head.

Don’t just sit there. Do something. The answers will follow.

Action is always within our reach. We can become our source of motivation. We can become our source of inspiration. And with simply doing something as our only metric of success- then failure pushes us forward.

Chapter 2. Happiness is a problem

In this chapter, Marc shares the story of Buddha, how he achieved enlightenment, and his philosophical theory that happiness is not a solvable equation and that dissatisfaction and unease are inherent parts of the human body and components to create consistent happiness. Marc explains the same Buddha theory from his biological perspective in this chapter.

According to Marc, we suffer for the simple reason that suffering is biologically sound. It is nature’s preferred agent to inspire change. We are wired to become dissatisfied with whatever we have and satisfied with only what we do not have.

Marc here talks about two kinds of pain. Physical pain and psychological distress. He says physical pain is also essential because it tells us what is good for us versus bad. It helps us adhere to our limitations.

Marc says that psychological pain is not necessarily always bad. It can be healthy and necessary. The emotional pain of rejection and failure teaches us how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

He says problems never go away – they improve. The solution to one problem is merely a creation of the next one. Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.

According to Marc, happiness comes from solving the problem. When we avoid solving problems and feel that we don’t have any issues, we will make our life miserable. To be happy, we need something to be solved.

Therefore happiness is a form of action and activity. It is not something that we magically discover. Happiness is a constant work in progress because solving problems is continual work.

Marc says that solving problems is a simple concept, but life does not feel that simple for some people. It’s because of two reasons.

Firstly they don’t accept they have problems. They are always in denial mode. They deny reality, which makes them happy for a short period but leads to a life of insecurity and emotional repression.

Secondly, they always play victim mentality. They believe there is nothing they can do to solve their problems. They blame other people and circumstances for their problems which makes them happy for a short time but leads to a life of anger, helplessness, and despair.

Life’s most essential and straightforward component is our struggles determine our successes. Our problems birth from our happiness and slightly better and upgraded problems.

In this chapter, Marc talks about genuine self–esteem. With the help of an example of a person called Jimmy, Marc says that merely feeling good about ourselves does not really mean anything unless we have a good reason to feel good about ourselves.

The problem with the self–esteem movement is that it measured self-esteem by how positively people felt about themselves.

But a true and accurate measurement of one’s self-worth is how people think about the negative aspects of themselves. A person with high self-worth can look at the negative parts of his character and then act to improve them.

Chapter 3. You are not special